To the friendships that have died and the ones that remained. I’m going to say the things that have been burning a hole in my gut. The things I have kept quiet in the hopes I may be wrong. In the hopes that they were words I would immediately regret once I’d let them exit my mouth. The thoughts I have been holding back in the hope to wake up to dismantle them, on the accounts of my own imagination, fear and insecurity that you would disappoint me. It’s been six months and those hopes have now melted, disintegrated and been left out to dry.
~
To the friends I called family that no longer are.
You thought I hadn't watched you the last twenty years overcompensate for your self-loathing and your pasty white privileged upbringing; or for the No Jews Aloud golf clubs you grew up having lunch at.
You thought I did not pick up on the countless 'yeah but you're Jewish' comments thrown around our friendship as if it were acceptable because, oh right, you're a scholar. Or the antisemitic speech you made at my wedding (I have it on tape).
You thought I did not clue in on your lack of integrity when your activism became selective, or that your kids now go to the posh white private schools that cultivate the privilege you pretend to stand up against.
You thought our 20+ year friendship was the proper platform to make a political statement. You thought you could masquerade around your ethics and academics high-ground and scold me back into my place. You thought your diplomas were license to speak over me. You thought your pedigree gave you the authority to correct me, the Jew, in my Judaism.
You thought I would not see through your hailstorm of projection and that I would not pick up on the stench of your engrained jew-hating prejudice. I've got news for you: I have a big Jewish nose and my sense of smell is sharp.
~
To the friends that love me forever, until I speak my Jewish truth.
You love me when I spark a doobie, while you play your tunes and talk about the last films we saw. You love me when I speak my truths - all the other truths of mine - and you even respect me for it. Yet the truth that is my Jewishness is one you have shut down and shut out. Have you asked yourself why?
You love me when I open my house to you and treat you like one of my own. You love me when you're down and out and I'm the first to say 'I got you'. Except this time, I need you and you are nowhere to be found.
I wish you wouldn't have chosen to based your strong opinions on the lies over believing me, your one Jewish friend. I wish you would've said "Alex, I'm grabbing beers and heading over. Let's talk. I have questions." and given me the respect of having the difficult conversations. I wish you would’ve asked how I was doing after you knew I was struggling to keep my head above water. As I have for you.
I have a truth for you: my Jewishness is my entire personality right now and for the foreseeable future. You don't dictate who I get to be in your presence. You don't get to revel in my energy and throw it away when it doesn't suit you.
~
To the friends in my life that are my pillars of strength, especially the women, you know who you are.
I know the first couple of months after the war started were hard to navigate. I was bursting at the seams and spinning out of control. There was no friendship able to contain me during those weeks.
I know you were all trying to find your way to support me while simultaneously allowing me the space to grow into who I am becoming. Meanwhile, you stayed connected and I felt your love, unwavering, the entire time.
I know you don't understand it all. I know a lot if this is foreign to you. But you have continued to respect me and support me in my journey, all the while nudging me often enough to remind me that you are in my corner, always, as soon as I need it.
I have not forgotten how you were the first ones to text me after October 7. "Alex, we don't have all the words but we're sorry for what you are going through. We love you and we have your back" was the overwhelming message I received from all of you that continues to ring true today.
I am so grateful for all you. Thank you for having my back. I love you immensely.
Am Israel Chai.
Alex
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